a reason or two or one sixty-three
November 13, 2023 § Leave a comment
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I feel really depressed.
Because I feel unloved.
I want to buy back my love.
So I will send you flowers, hoping every leaf buys me a day, or an hour.
I will write you letters, hoping every word, buys me a chance,
To be loved again by you.
Is it my fault?
That I am unworthy of your love?
Or do you love me, as you say you do, and I am flawed in my thinking?
How can I trust you, after you’ve broken me,
Many times, ago?
How can I trust myself,
When I’ve broken many strings, and loves, before?
How can I ever know, that I can love again, or be loved,
If I don’t love myself, anymore?
I feel weak,
A weakness like shattered glass, I see my reflection in.
I don’t know that I want to live again.
A weakness that makes me want to pull by a thread,
So hard, until it unclasps, from life.
I want to let go, but I am too weak.
I am too weak to take action, to be loved, to believe.
I embarrass myself, with my thoughts.
My head is not a friendly place right now.
I am afraid, to tell anyone, lest they stop loving me.
It’s embarrassing. It’s not nice. It’s not a lovable characteristic.
My victimhood is swallowing me,
Sabotaging my relationships,
Overtaking my life as though I stood on a mountain that’s split open and engulfed me.
I feel trapped in a cage, in the middle of the Gulf, below the water’s surface.
I try to speak, but my words fail me.
The world drowns me,
My voice unheard.
My only refuge is sleep.
But even then, I wake up thirsty, throat dry, nightmares regular.
I don’t wish to be a downer.
I want to be loved.